Most young actors are told early and often that this profession is impossible. That you need to find something to fall back on. That this industry will eat you up and spit you out.
That was not my experience. I was encouraged to pursue this thing. I was told that I would have no trouble being a working actor. I had talent, they said.
Well, they weren't wrong about most of that. But they left out the part where I'd make a living doing this.
This week, I had to drop out of a play for purely financial reasons for the first time in my career. In one sense I'm sick about it because I've disappointed someone that I dearly love as well as many actors that I am friends with. In the other, I'm relieved that my practical sense and love for my family made the best decision. Hell, I've saved $120 in babysitter fees this week alone. (That number will rise to over a grand next month). I also have a job opportunity that I really enjoy in October that I wouldn't have been able to do, that will earn money, save babysitter fees, and give feedback to high school actors. So, I feel good about the decision...as a practical manner. But a little bit of my soul died.
So, here's the thing. I was to play Banquo in my dear friend Renee's, Macbeth.
Renee O'Connor is easily one of the top five human beings I've ever encountered. She was my Lady M. the first time I played Macbeth way back in 2002. There was a performance when I learned my mom not only had lung cancer, but had a lung removed an hour before the show. She literally pulled me into the play and carried me through every moment of that performance. It was such a generous gift and masterful performance from her that it fully engaged me in every moment. She is, also, maybe the most intuitive person I know. (Damn that Meisner training). I've learned that hiding anything from her is a fool's errand. She sees through all the bullshit and just knows. And that night, even though I said I was good to go, she knew I wasn't. And it was amazing. Her big, beautiful heart held us up and we delivered a very different, yet well executed performance.
We have worked together a few times since then. We did Dinner with Friends a couple of years ago at Little Fish where we played old friends, which wasn't hard. Earlier this year, I directed a reading of "Uncle Vanya" and played Astrov opposite her Yelena. And being a fool in love with here wasn't difficult either.
I had been looking forward to her Macbeth for months. Not just because I love her, but I like the company model she is creating by bringing young actors into a professional environment. I was also excited about playing yet another role in this masterpiece. In fact, I turned down the opportunity to perhaps play my dream role of Astrov in New American's upcoming "Uncle Vanya."
But, my brilliant and wonderful wife, Annie, booked two plays before the end of the year. Because she's amazing! We met playing Petruchio and Kate (how adorable is that?) and she's crushed every role that has come her way. We are accustomed to saying yes to art, even when it overlaps. We do the thing and figure it out later. But we are fucking broke. It's nobody's fault... least of all hers. We used to be middle class, but now we are the working poor. This is what income inequality looks like. We are their poster children. And speaking of children, we have two of them and they cost money. Dentistry for one and Orthodontistry for the other has us practically begging on the streets. (She will hate that I'm writing this, because she is bred of that proud midwestern worker stock, but it's a fact). We have been trying to make ends meet for years now and failing. It's only a matter of time before we have to pack it in and move somewhere else to survive.
But I'm so happy that Annie is working in theatre. She has been so supportive of my journey, and taking projects here and there when she could fit them in between my gigs and also wanting to be home with the girls. It's her time, and she is going to be wonderful in these plays! I will be posting like crazy to get you all to see "Chills and Thrills," and "Embridge" at Little Fish.
So, my "in-between" (see previous blog) is stretching further than I thought it would. And despite my shame in backing out of a play and my grief being super prevalent this time of year (all covered in previous blog), I'm ok. Surprisingly ok. There is literally nothing I wouldn't give up for my family. This is mathematical. We have x amount of dollars, and every time we are gone costs y amount of money, and I can make m money from another job. This is the mathematics of survival. The art of sacrifice.
I hope you all go see Macbeth at the Grand Annex in San Pedro in October. I'm sure it will be wonderful. If they will let me in, I'll be there cheering them on. And, I am sure you will all join me on opening night of "Chills and Thrills" and "Embridge" at Little Fish.
And for me, I am going back to class. I don't have a lot of free time, but I am excited to get back into studio with Jack and refresh myself on what this craft is. My screenplay has a second draft and I'm anxious to see what Booey and Matt have to add to that before we have a table read. And surprisingly, I feel ok right now. I was expecting to spiral. But with the love of my family and friends, I am fucking surviving like a beast!
Check back with me in a month, and I might be a mess. But for now, I am playing with my daughters, getting ready to adjudicate some high school plays, super thrilled for Annie, and hoping that my friends in Macbeth can forgive me.
Also, if California could better fund the arts, that would be great!
